Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Ahh! Being hypocritical n duplicitous again..

Sigh.. feeling darn shagged out right now. Whether it's the exams, or maybe it's just me, I have no idea. But i'm beginning to think that all of it doen't really matter now. Feeling super worn out, hopeless, drained. Sometimes, I wonder why I live this life, why I have this life? Of course, some people would say that, hey, look at all the starving people in africa. Okk then.. the point is, however, that i'm not in africa and i'm not living a poor kiddo's life there. Yeah, that's one thing to be grateful for, but seriously, it doen't help in getting me out of my situation or nullifying all my emotions.
Infact, perhaps living the life of some poor black boy on the streets of south africa taking drugs and stuff may just be the way to escape from all this. I mean, why do they do all these stuff anyway? For fun? Which physcopath would do that I. No one would. Not without a reason. But of course, ultimately, all they do is just running away from their problems. The problems will never be solved, but at least they don't feel the burden of it all. And if they live a constant life of running away, then, hey, I guess it isn't that bad afterall is it?
Yeah, that's what I feel like doing now. But that would be stupid. Still, I can imagine how much worse life can be with me flunking my exams, living with parents that act... well... particularly anal and irritating sometimes, and having totally screwed up my relationship with God, ironically, for the sake of my exams. Now I realise how stupid it all is. But what's my motivation now then. Nothing. Absolutely. Perhaps the only thing that stops me from jumping down the building is common sense, human nature and knowing that i'll go to hell if I did. Great.
Just screaming out at my blog. Maybe i'll feel better. Find some relief blogging perhaps. I don't know. Strange though. I'm so aware of myself and the plight i'm in, so being disillusionised isn't an excuse for me. How sad. I wonder what i'm doing sometimes, but I never get an answer to that.
Well, that's the me inside. all bitter and stuff huh. What a face I'm able to put on the outside while my innerds are rotting. And yet again, my parent's are talking about me, or perhaps, 'gossiping loudly to prove a point' would be a more accurate phase to use. Pissed off with everything.
But then again... I just don't know. It's like i'm living a double life, yet i'm not? Cause somehow or another I don't express my feelings, not because I don't want to, but it's just because I don't. And it's not like i'm trying to fake my way through or anything, it's just that no one ever notices! Yay!! Oh well. Not as if it would help even if they did.
Ah well. Nice view from the 12th story here. I wonder how the trip down would be?

Word of the Day; 7:37 PM