Sunday, March 20, 2011
It feels like someone took a diamond bit and drew a line across my glass wall. But I'll glaze it over every time it becomes barely noticeable. Isn't it ironic that in all actuality, tt the best person to turn to? Is you.. but I can't, cus i'm so in love. It doesn't matter what the cost.. as long as you find happiness dear.. even if it means cost me, even if this relationship eats away silently without anyone knowing but myself and God. Cus you know what? Love isn’t selfish and self seeking. Love isn’t limited to those who are perfect. Love is being all i can for you, being the best i can, not having the best. And i know... i know everything, i know what you did, i know that you don’t want to tell me.. But you know what? It doesn’t matter. Cus i love the way you lie. cus although it hurts like shit, like nothing i’ve ever experienced before, although all my surety and trust has been taken away and shredded into confetti pieces, and although you throw me into a tornado every time you go out with a guy, club, drink, swear because i hate to see you do such things that don’t help you, that hurt you, and it hurts me as bad if not more than it hurts you.. i still let you do the things you do cus its a choice. And its your choice, and we all have the freedom to choose while i’ll stand there, always hoping, always wishing, always praying that maybe, one day, you will choose right, you will choose correctly. And although i know what you can be, how you can be when your drunk and everything, i still take the risk and i just stand there, getting burned from the inside, silently, just hoping and waiting that nothing bad will happen to you, that you will come back to my side eventually - perfect incognito. Now it all falls in place, now i understand. And it hurts me so bad you’d never know how bad, knowing that you choose not to tell me the truth by when i know you know it matters to me, and that you should have told me so much earlier, and that i always wanted the best for you, and i wanted your trust, and i gave you all my everything... although i know i’m going to get hurt and although my it HURTS ME SO BAD THAT MY TRUST HAS BEEN SHREDDED AND THROWN INTO THE WIND... when all i wanted is your trust... when i thought, maybe if i trust you, you will trust me... when i thought ‘do unto others what you want others to do unto you..’ but i guess that’s only applicable to bad things like backstabbing cus people are vengeful.. i don’t know what to stand for, what to trust. I always believed.. i choose to believe, that, perhaps.. maybe.. there is something greater and bigger than all this.. that maybe things will work out although i know it won’t... and it won’t ever! It will NEVER work out!!!! But i throw myself into it anyway. When i start to drift, i force myself to draw nearer to you, to protect you, so that i wouldn’t hurt your feelings, even if it goes against every cell of my body to lie the way i do, even if every move, every word is agony... but white lie you say? White lie indeed. Its even harder when my imaginative thoughts fling things out of proportion, but at the same time i cannot lie to myself that its nothing. At the same time, i cannot say that i don’t feel disappointed that the truth has been intentionally omitted from me, at the same time i cannot say that i’m just trying to numb myself from the pain, from feeling shit... to a very successful way infact. But at the same time i cannot deny that the problem is still there, and that when everything fades away, and when i’m lying alone thinking to myself, when music triggers my thought, when i’m hitting the drums so hard to cover up the pain and the frustration and the agony inside... i cannot say that all those is a lie. I’m stupid. I’m a fool. And i don’t know why i still do this, but i know i still do all because maybe... just maybe.. one day... you will realise, you will change.. God will change you... that’s my only hope. There’s so many things... i really want the best for you.. but i don’t know how to break it out to you. I don’t want you to change for me. I want you to change cus God changes you. You don’t know God the way i do... its deep rooted, its precious.. and its my only hope. That’s the only reason why i’m still here, why i’m still steady, why i’m still committed. Why? Cus i believe in miracles. That one day... one day, a miracle will happen, all my wishes, all my prayers, all my hopes and dreams.. it will come true. Despite all the odds, all the bad feelings, all the doubts, all the pain, all the smothering myself... despite all that, i know one thing with all surety that makes all this shit worth it, that makes me see nothing you’ve done before, nothing that i think you are, nothing matters.. and it doesn’t matter even if i feel i don’t really know you. I don’t know you for you. I only know who you are outside, the perfect incognito. But i want to know you, i want you to trust me, and i want to trust you... but its never going to happen is it? I just hope... and stand there waiting... always. Till the day that perhaps.. perhaps.. you will finally choose the right choice, that finally you might choose wisely, and i don’t care that i feel cheated or feel used or anything like that, cus the bottom line is although you’d never know and although you might never understand..
The fact is that i love you. :(
i hope never to publish this... but when i do, it would have been too late.
Word of the Day; 10:29 AM
Thursday, March 03, 2011
Oh my gawd. I realize that blog, tt has been officially overtaken by Facebook, is actually a pretty good place to check back. Its like a journal, dating back into the anneals of an individual's history, a record of milestones and thought processes. Quite interesting indeed, especially when you look at what you wrote years ago and compare to the person you are now. Amazing how the metamorphosis process unveils. And I realize that MAN I can be one mean biach. My goodness. I scare myself, but at the same time its hilarious to the max. And of course, Blogs, ancient as it is, still serves its purpose of archiving and an outlet of personal thoughts and feelings that no one occupied enough would give a damn about.
But all this is besides the point.
The point issssss.... I'M MADLY IN LOVE! Again. Only this time its different. Different from the tens of thousands of girls I've liked before. Ok so its not tens of thousands, infact it might not even BE ten, but a handful at least. Fleeting as it might have been, I remember 3 girls. Or 4 if you include primary school. Okay, but the point is that, I realize that in addition to me not being attractive (or perhaps repulsive), I'm also gawd damn picky. Which means that I'd probably remain single for life till the day I die!.. well at least that's what I thought. Interestingly, all the girls I've liked before either didn't know I liked them (Pri sch), didn't like me the way I liked them, I just didn't ask the question and things didn't develop, or things just screwed up (and I still didn't ask the question). So I'm officially ''evergreen'' its termed? But I've got some pretty good idea of what relationships are all about, between what's platonic, what's real and what's not etc. Which is cool. Ok so most of it started out somehow with puppy love, or like something I like about them yada yada, or even through seeing each other everyday at work and having a friendship of sorts. But this is DIFFERENT! Interestingly in a span of a year or two? I've went through a plethora of different feelings and phases with this girl. The puppy love phase, the friendship phase, and the letting go phase. And what's left is really a stable compound that is as nonreactive as carbon. But also this deep care and concern for this individual. And its special and unique. Basically what I'm saying is that it isn't a fling thing. Not a puppy love temporal kinda thing, but a deep vast ocean that resonates straight into the depths of my heart strings. Yes, I really do love her, and she really did teach me how to love again, and its amazing! She's a Godsend I believe, so yes true love does exist, you've just got to ask God and wait patiently. Its like all my other experiences has been the purpose of teaching me, cus I never did ask anyone to be my girlfriend before. Afterall, its true that its not ALL about feelings. But yes, I'm madly in love, and this is the first time I've felt this kinda feeling for a girl, and I don't think this love I have for her can be replicated or found in the future. Its just the whole perfect plan falling perfectly together at the perfect time. Godsend.
Ok the fact that I'm even typing like this, or for that matter, even TYPING this, shows that I'm not in the right state of mind. But yes! I love her I love her I love her.. Andddd our friends are somehow or another complicating matters. -.- that's why sometimes its better NOT to be a big fat KAY-P-O. But whatever, despite all that... I don't know I'm just bursting and welling with exciting emotions that I try desperately hard to contain! And no I don't think of her ALL the time, but I do think of her everyday, and she's lovely! I even stalk her Facebook.. -.- what a freak right? Yea but I'm basically trying to find a picture of her that will encompass the fullness of her beauty but.. its always impossible. None of the 900+ pictures that she has in FB can ever encompass the beauty she has inside her heart, the PERSON, not just the face, and of course, no picture is able to capture how much she really means to me. But even though I've scrolled through her pictures with no avail, I still continue to do that almost every other day its crazy. Just trying and hoping to find new photos that would capture the wholeness of her beauty. I must be a little mad and a little insane and a little woopy up in the head, but I guess that's what happens.. and though I hate to say it and I don't actually say it out loud, I do love her. A lot.
And I think plastering my emotions and thoughts on a Blog isn't the best idea. But hey, its become an outlet exactly for such things, to register such milestones and to release all my emotions as well as to clarify my thoughts and feelings. Besides, I don't really give a shit about what other people think. Cus imperfect as we are, we all deserve to be love, and imperfection and vulnerability IS the key to connection. Knowing that makes me impervious to lying murdering bastards like shawn tan and desmond xie and actually initiates forgiveness. But that's another random thought besides the point. Yes I don't give a shit about people who aren't worth giving a shit about, and I don't mean the poor and stuff, I mean the rich and snobby single child (shawn tan) or power hungry control freak (the latter). People of terrible characters. Yes, they are the ones who aren't worth shit, and I'm sure many people have met such individuals and would concur with me. Birds of a feather flock together, but that might not be such a bad thing cus at least all the shit piles up at one end, and hopefully, one day will be cleared by the janitor or garbage collector. hmm, guess I haven't actually forgiven them after all. Wow. See? This is the power of BLOG!
Word of the Day; 2:25 AM
