Sunday, June 14, 2009

I think I'm facing quarter life crisis. Reminds me of Abraham's rants. I share the same sentiments today. Suddenly life has become meaningless. But what else more could I ask for? I should be satisfied. I've got my block leave, I've got comparatively lots of money in my bank that I'd never had before, I'm getting the things I want, a miadidas, I've got my computer games to play. I've got good friends to hang out with and people to attend my POP, opportunity to drum and serve God.

It might not be much, but it should have sufficed. Things in life are mostly relative and I should be euphoric now. But ever since I POPed, the 4 days that passed has been absolutely meaningless. All I'd ever done is a spectacle, totally fake, forced, and overstated in an overtly embellished facade like what I'm doing in this sentence. Cus under the masquerade is an insecure, anxious and lonely little man trying too hard to find his own self worth. Has anything been able to define me? The things I do has so far amounted to trite banality that I would otherwise have squirmed at if I was a third person.

Its blatantly obvious that faking it hasn't cut it for me thus far. It just doesn't work, and when there aren't things to distract you from the truth even when you try to distract yourself, it just becomes more evident that your a failure. and that's how I feel. A failure with nothing to be proud of, nothing to my name, nothing worthy of noting, nothing worth living for. Meaninglessness has this way of making one feel empty, a hollowness somewhere in the recess of your chest that eats uncomfortably into your heart till you forget the things you once lived for, and your values. And eventually, it all becomes apathy. You do things for the sake of doing it and indifference to everything else becomes a consistent thing. Worse comes when you drop the social status quo of living up to the expectations of others. Everything is vanity.

To whom, to what, can I centre my life upon? That my world could continue revolving. What is my purpose? Why has all things faded away into nothingness..

This is what loneliness is. The dejection that comes after the realisation that after all your efforts struggling so hard to find someone that understands what your going through, there simply isn't one soul who understands you in this big big world.

Word of the Day; 12:38 AM