Monday, December 21, 2009

Sometimes I really have a lot of questions about the things I see happening around me. Mostly useless phisopher stuff (cus I don't intend to bum around thinking while doing nothing but grow fat like an actual philosopher)* like why is the world unfair and etc. I mean yeah I've come to terms that yes, the world is unfair and there's nothing much you can do about it no matter how much brain juice you invest thinking about it, but at least I can individually chip in my small part and try to make my own world a fairer place. And that's justifiable cus some people create a world of their own further detached from reality than most. Like a place with rainbows and bright colors all year round and life's challenges presents themselves as the occasional gloomy rain that, of course, will give life to the flowers and grass that will sprout into beautiful joy bringing gardens. (all the cliches about how tough times will see better times in the future stuff) But many times things that happen are simply not in your control, especially when it happens to other people, and definitely not fair so it pretty much screws the perceived reality I create for myself.

For example, we hear of a lot of heart wrenching stories tragedies about orphans, but its purely a temporary feeling that we lose no sleep over. But if it actually happened to you, or someone close to you, then you'd be thinking like, what the hell, since when was I made to handle this kinda things at this age? I mean, its like an imaginary timeline where the type of crap that happens to you in life gets bigger as you grow older and more mature? But some of us just skip whole chunks and go to the end of the line whilst some never see significant trouble but make a shitload of noise and soak up whatever pity that he can get greedily. And it sucks cus you don't know what to do and you have no idea what your supposed to do either. And as if losing one parent is not enough, now the other is falling ill too, which scares the shit out of me. Not my parent, but still, I never want to go through that emotional blackhole again. But more importantly, it'd be devastating as hell for the actual sons and daughters. Like x100 what I as a friend am capable to feel. So yes, shit life is unfair.

I think the ultimate cosmic joke is that while I want to relinquish control of my life over the unfortunate things that are happening hoping that it'd all disappear like magic, the more I am unwilling to give it up. And the more I want to do something about it, the more I realise that I can do no shit and it just goes back to square one. So like where's God faith and etc etc for me now? By the way I live my life, its in the dumpster probably. And I don't know why I don't seem to be getting out. Where's redemption and etc eh.

But with these new eyes, I start to think about the my church. All the things they do.. for what? So showy, so ''do this cus its expected of you'' and all. I think real salvation can be seen from the simple acts and response during everyday life. Its like what my friend said, ''pretending to be alright''. That probably sums up most of us. And me too. What I need really is someone that I can talk to heart to heart, like pour out all my feelings of despair which is impossible to find cus who really understands your feelings (especially when its ''of DESPAIR'. who wants to feel despairing?). But its hard cus feelings aren't like something that you can replicate in a copy and paste manner. So suck it up and fake it through. Suck thumb only. Eventually, we'll all be apathetic and it'd be the end of the world. Like for real. Meteor showers and stuff might be a possible reason for 2012, but a more novel way for an Apocalypse would be a totally apathetic society. I mean, we're halfway there already.


*although I must admit I do bum around, but actively engaging the computer screen and mouse trying to shoot virtual enemies on-screen rather than thinking. Which is healthier for the mind is debatable although I can conclusively say that neither is a healthy per-se. Its more like the lesser of 2 evils, and I choose computer games.

Word of the Day; 1:08 AM