Sunday, March 20, 2011

It feels like someone took a diamond bit and drew a line across my glass wall. But I'll glaze it over every time it becomes barely noticeable. Isn't it ironic that in all actuality, tt the best person to turn to? Is you.. but I can't, cus i'm so in love. It doesn't matter what the cost.. as long as you find happiness dear.. even if it means cost me, even if this relationship eats away silently without anyone knowing but myself and God. Cus you know what? Love isn’t selfish and self seeking. Love isn’t limited to those who are perfect. Love is being all i can for you, being the best i can, not having the best. And i know... i know everything, i know what you did, i know that you don’t want to tell me.. But you know what? It doesn’t matter. Cus i love the way you lie. cus although it hurts like shit, like nothing i’ve ever experienced before, although all my surety and trust has been taken away and shredded into confetti pieces, and although you throw me into a tornado every time you go out with a guy, club, drink, swear because i hate to see you do such things that don’t help you, that hurt you, and it hurts me as bad if not more than it hurts you.. i still let you do the things you do cus its a choice. And its your choice, and we all have the freedom to choose while i’ll stand there, always hoping, always wishing, always praying that maybe, one day, you will choose right, you will choose correctly. And although i know what you can be, how you can be when your drunk and everything, i still take the risk and i just stand there, getting burned from the inside, silently, just hoping and waiting that nothing bad will happen to you, that you will come back to my side eventually - perfect incognito. Now it all falls in place, now i understand. And it hurts me so bad you’d never know how bad, knowing that you choose not to tell me the truth by when i know you know it matters to me, and that you should have told me so much earlier, and that i always wanted the best for you, and i wanted your trust, and i gave you all my everything... although i know i’m going to get hurt and although my it HURTS ME SO BAD THAT MY TRUST HAS BEEN SHREDDED AND THROWN INTO THE WIND... when all i wanted is your trust... when i thought, maybe if i trust you, you will trust me... when i thought ‘do unto others what you want others to do unto you..’ but i guess that’s only applicable to bad things like backstabbing cus people are vengeful.. i don’t know what to stand for, what to trust. I always believed.. i choose to believe, that, perhaps.. maybe.. there is something greater and bigger than all this.. that maybe things will work out although i know it won’t... and it won’t ever! It will NEVER work out!!!! But i throw myself into it anyway. When i start to drift, i force myself to draw nearer to you, to protect you, so that i wouldn’t hurt your feelings, even if it goes against every cell of my body to lie the way i do, even if every move, every word is agony... but white lie you say? White lie indeed. Its even harder when my imaginative thoughts fling things out of proportion, but at the same time i cannot lie to myself that its nothing. At the same time, i cannot say that i don’t feel disappointed that the truth has been intentionally omitted from me, at the same time i cannot say that i’m just trying to numb myself from the pain, from feeling shit... to a very successful way infact. But at the same time i cannot deny that the problem is still there, and that when everything fades away, and when i’m lying alone thinking to myself, when music triggers my thought, when i’m hitting the drums so hard to cover up the pain and the frustration and the agony inside... i cannot say that all those is a lie. I’m stupid. I’m a fool. And i don’t know why i still do this, but i know i still do all because maybe... just maybe.. one day... you will realise, you will change.. God will change you... that’s my only hope. There’s so many things... i really want the best for you.. but i don’t know how to break it out to you. I don’t want you to change for me. I want you to change cus God changes you. You don’t know God the way i do... its deep rooted, its precious.. and its my only hope. That’s the only reason why i’m still here, why i’m still steady, why i’m still committed. Why? Cus i believe in miracles. That one day... one day, a miracle will happen, all my wishes, all my prayers, all my hopes and dreams.. it will come true. Despite all the odds, all the bad feelings, all the doubts, all the pain, all the smothering myself... despite all that, i know one thing with all surety that makes all this shit worth it, that makes me see nothing you’ve done before, nothing that i think you are, nothing matters.. and it doesn’t matter even if i feel i don’t really know you. I don’t know you for you. I only know who you are outside, the perfect incognito. But i want to know you, i want you to trust me, and i want to trust you... but its never going to happen is it? I just hope... and stand there waiting... always. Till the day that perhaps.. perhaps.. you will finally choose the right choice, that finally you might choose wisely, and i don’t care that i feel cheated or feel used or anything like that, cus the bottom line is although you’d never know and although you might never understand..

The fact is that i love you. :(

i hope never to publish this... but when i do, it would have been too late.

Word of the Day; 10:29 AM